Just Say It

Imagine, just for a second, that you were able to speak your true feelings about someone without worrying how they would respond or that you would be embarrassed about doing so. The ability to be completely honest with someone/anyone is incredibly rare and awesome. It’s also incredibly liberating. I have never felt more free and content with myself than when I have been absolutely and completely honest with someone- it hasn’t happened often! I think probs 99% of us are often scared/nervous to tell people how we really feel because we don’t want to be rejected or embarrassed if they don’t feel the same way.

Now I’m not saying you should be a jerk and tell people that their hair/outfit/face is ugly! What I’m talking about is that if you have strong feelings for/about someone you should tell them to their face- not go talking about it behind their back to everyone but them.

For example: when it comes to telling guys how I feel about them, I always feel so much better when I’m honest and upfront about it. Like “Dude I’m sorry this isn’t working between us” or “dude I really like you as more than a friend.” Is it scary to do this? EXTREMELY. Worth it? Absolutely. I knew that by being honest that either his feelings might take a small beating or that I would have to face the reality that the guy I like doesn’t like me back. But you know what- in every instance of me being honest we’ve both been able to move on and realize that being honest early on saved a lot of wasted time and pain.

Neither men nor women are mind readers- you can’t expect people to just know how you feel about them. You have to put your big girl/big boy pants on and tell them. If you like someone/want to go out with them-for the love of Pete just tell them! And do it yourself- in person. Not through your friends or text- that’s lame and shows you’re a sissy.

I really respect it when a guy is straightforward and asks me out or asks for my number. I appreciate his honesty, directness, and courage- because I know it’s hard and slightly scary to do. That proves to me that they’re willing to risk rejection in the hope I’ll say yes- kind of a nice reminder that I’m worth it. (Not that my self-confidence relies on getting asked out- it’s just nice to be appreciated like that sometimes). It’s legit.

And vice versa- when I’ve told guys I like them they’re almost always like “Wow that took guts – thanks for telling me that straight up” and then they let me down nicely 🙂 You honestly can’t lose in being nicely honest with people-sure you might get rejected but at least you know for sure then. (You won’t be stuck in that cycle of “maybe s/he will finally notice me and ask me out.”       FYI that doesn’t work- I have years of evidence to back that up.) Sure it might be tough to deal with at first but you won’t be scared of what might or might not happen anymore.

Same goes if you have a problem with someone. Instead of doing that passive-aggressive shenanigans and talking about them behind their back- tell them! Be like “dude when you said/did that I was hurt/upset/took it to mean this…” Then based on their response you’ve either cleared up a problem or learned that this person isn’t worth getting angry about. I’ve had people/friends talk about me behind my back. Other friends then tell me what they’ve been saying. I’ve handled it where I don’t say anything and just let resentment and distrust build between us for too long-yeah that sucked. But I’ve also handled it by going straight to that person and asked them why they’ve been spreading shenanigans about me. That method really makes or breaks a friendship- because either there was a misunderstanding and the friendship is okay or you find out that your friend really isn’t your friend after all.

Point is- be honest. Don’t be destructive and try to ruin people’s lives but help them out by telling the truth. Being honest can really open doors for you- you just gotta have the courage to speak up. And who knows- maybe the other person feels the same way about you! And if not- there’s always ice cream 😉

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You are worth it

Yup. You are worth it.  I don’t care what other people or the media or society says: you are worth it. You have so much to offer the world- whether it’s through your work, family, friends, or simply by smiling at strangers and brightening their day.

You are an inspiration. You are the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning. You are intelligent and have a sense of humor- or else you wouldn’t still be reading this blog! You deserve to be surrounded by people who appreciate your awesomeness. Will you always have these people close to you? Maybe not- but you are worth it.

Now you have to act like it. You are an incredible human being- so don’t sell yourself short. Other people will tell you that you aren’t good enough. So you have to remind yourself that you ARE good enough- you are worth it and deserve to be treated like it.

If someone is a negative influence in your life-cut them out of it. Your boyfriend or girlfriend make you feel self-conscious about yourself? Dump them. That friend who makes you feel guilty for excelling at something or having something go right in your life? Forget them- they aren’t worth it. You are. You owe nothing to people who only make you feel bad about yourself. Find people who know you, like you, encourage you- and keep them close. Because you are worth it.

The “Friend Zone”: Awkward vs Awesome

I’m not going to lie- I was the Mayor of the friend zone from junior high all the way to about junior year in college. Nope, I was more like the President or even Galactic Empress of the friend zone. It was so bad that guys would come to me for advice in asking out girls, breaking up with them, dealing with overemotional and jealous girlfriends etc. My success rate in getting couples together or navigating difficult breakups was about 50%- which I don’t think is too bad.

Point is- I know first hand the ups and downs of the “friend zone”. It’s great when you don’t have a romantic interest in the other person- but it’s sheer awfulness when you do!

The term “friend zone” itself has a negative connotation. I feel like it’s bitterly used when a guy or girl has a crush on their friend but their friend does not return it. Yes, liking someone and them not liking you back absolutely sucks. Been there, did that, still going through that even now- Luke Evans just doesn’t know what he’s missing out on. Anyway- this is going to sound harsh but you have to move on. Waiting around hoping your crush will suddenly realize they like you too is oftentimes pointless. Especially when you haven’t told them about your feelings- you can;t just expect them to read your mind and figure it out!!

If you have told your friend that you like them as more than a friend and they don’t feel the same way about you- props for having the guts to tell them!! And if they say they want to still be friends- don’t get all defensive/upset/angry/bitter about that. They most likely think you’re an awesome person and do want to be your friend- they just don’t want anything more. And that is no one’s fault- it’s just the way the cookie crumbled. ooooh cookies-yum

I’ve been on both sides of this type of thing. I’ve had guy friends tell me that like me and I’ve told guy friends I like them. Guess what- none of them have worked out. But I’m still friends with probably 2/3 of the guys because we actually value the friendship we have with each other- and that freaking rocks!!

The awesome side of the “friend zone” is that you have a friend of the opposite gender. Obviously. So when all your girl friends are bugging you or being catty or you just don’t feel like dealing with their shenanigans, you can go play football or video games or watch Die Hard with your guy friends. Or when guys need advice or help picking out a present for their mom or buying clothes or whatevs they can call a girl friend and get some advice or have a less excruciating shopping experience.

So being told or realizing that the friend you’ve been crushing on doesn’t like you back sucks. But now you still have a friend to encourage and help you find someone that likes you back- it’s kind of a win-win then.

Note- never ever ever whine about “always getting put into the friend zone” to try to guilt someone into agreeing to go out with you. Then it’ll just be a pity date and plain pathetic-not to mention annoying. Just sayin

It’s All About Communication

A smart guy’s guide to dating: A girl’s perspective

75% of the problems guys and gals face in dating and relationships could be resolved by better communication-true story.   I could be extremely scientific and explain how men and women process information differently, how men don’t attach emotional meaning to everything they say while women do etc. Point is- good communication is vital for successful, fulfilling relationships.  The downside- good communication is often difficult because men and women define that phrase differently. Very differently.

I’ve learned that guys don’t always feel the need to stay in constant or even steady communication with their friends to know that they’re still friends. However, as many girls know and will agree, not staying in contact is easily construed as “this friend hates me now or else he/she would keep in touch”. And often that’s true as far as girls go! One of the worst thing you can do to a girl is ignore her- we instantly feel like we aren’t good enough. But many times guys aren’t doing this on purpose. Many guys don’t need that constant reminder that their friends still like them- unlike most girls. Therefore they don’t often think about telling us that they care about us. Guys and girls are just wired differently.

So heads up guys- I’m going to give you a glimpse into a girl’s head. Sometimes when you think a girl is being clingy it’s probably more likely that she needs the reassurance that you still like her. If you don’t still like her- be honest and do it soon. Don’t be a jerk and drag it out on purpose. If you do like her- tell her!! You don’t have to go overboard- just a gentle reminder like “Hey you’re awesome and I really like being around you”. Her day was just made right then. She will be happy that you care enough to share your feelings- and of course that you like her!

Note- if the girl calls you multiple times a day, is constantly texting you about pointless things, and seems to have no life outside of you- run. That’s the start of psycho stalker behavior!!!!

I don’t want this post to sound like I’m telling guys that they have to change and constantly talk to the girl they’re interested in if they normally don’t communicate much. I’m just hoping to explain why men and women can hear the exact same things or be involved in the same conversations and come away with completely different ideas of what just happened. Guys if you don’t communicate a lot- it’s okay. But maybe try to be upfront about that early on- that way the girl won’t have unrealistic expectations of how often she will hear from you. Girls- don’t go psycho about this. Guys are different and you have to accept that. You must realize that you can’t automatically change a guy’s communication habits. So maybe everyone could meet in the middle a bit- guys could make a little extra effort and girls could stop expecting so much. Or not-whatevs. You have to be you and if people don’t accept that- it’s their problem for missing out on your awesomeness.

A quick note on compliments- both guys and girls love getting them. As long as they aren’t creepy of course. But here’s a tip-try being specific. Instead of just saying “You look nice/handsome/pretty/etc” try adding “especially your hair/shirt/eyes/whatevs”. It shows that you appreciate the overall effect AND the details that make it up.

You don’t always have to fix it

The smart guy’s guide to dating: a girl’s perspective

Scenario: A girl is crying about something. The guy is awkwardly hovering near her. He asks why she’s crying. She continues crying. He tries to fix the problem. Girl gets mad. Guy gets more confused. She runs off. Doors slam. Everyone is unhappy.

Better scenario: Girl is crying. Guy hugs her. Asks “Can I help in any way?” Girl says no. Guy says “I’m here for you then”. Continues hugging, gives girl tissues and chocolate. Everyone is happier.

When guys are faced with a problem or dealing with issues, they try to fix it. It’s in their DNA to solve a problem by taking action. So that’s why, many times, when girls are crying the guy tries to fix the problem and doesn’t really understand why the girl is just crying about it. That and they don’t like girl tears- that’s also scientifically proven! What guys don’t know is that like 95% of the time the girl doesn’t need/want someone to fix the problem right then. They just need to cry and get their emotions out so that they can deal with the problem themselves later. Honestly, when I and probs like 90% of girls cry, we just want someone to hold us and reassure us that we aren’t alone and that we are cared about. Can you fix the problem that my sister/best friend lives over 1760 miles away? Or that in every movie involving a dog it dies?? (Never watch the movie Hatchi unless you want some serious sobbing-truth). No- you can’t fix these problems. But you can make me feel loved and not lonely just by hugging me and being there for me. Giving me tissues and chocolate is a bonus!! My poor dad has learned this lesson well!

Point is- girls want to know you care about them. While you may be tempted to try to fix the problem we usually just want you to show us you care. You don’t have to say the exact right thing or spend extravagant amounts of money- just be there with us and then make us smile. Pretty simple really!

Why you should avoid pyschos

A Smart guy’s guide to dating and relationships: A girl’s perspective

Why do guys date psycho girls? Lately I feel like all of my guy friends, acquaintances, and relatives have been telling me horror stories about psycho girls they have dates, are dating, or want to date. My reaction to their stories is always the same, “Why would you want to date a girl that is constantly up and down and who probably belongs in a place far from decent society?” And I kid you not, every guy replies “Because they’re fun and exciting.”

No- skydiving is fun and exciting. Laser tag is fun and exciting. Dating a girl who is going to mentally scar you for weeks/months/years to come is not fun or exciting. Sure she makes you feel alive and spontaneous now but in 5 minutes she is going to morph into some Underworld creature. Whether she starts stalking you, makes you feel guilty for having friends or saying hi to other girls, or even starts dictating who you are allowed to interact with, this girl is psycho and you are going to get poisoned.

And that’s the perfect way to describe the effect psycho girls have on you when you’re dating. They slowly poison you. Maybe you start realizing that you’re much more unhappy and dissatisfied with your life since you’ve been dating. Or you see your friends a lot less often and now it’s awkward around them. Or she demands to know exactly where you are, who you’re with, and what you’re doing 24/7. You’ve most likely spent a lot of time and money on this chick- at her insistence. You literally cannot take the stress of her being incredibly happy and fun and awesome 1 second and a complete raving lunatic the next second. So you finally break it off.

Except surprise- it ain’t over. Poison has a lasting effect on you. Even after you’ve broken up the mind games don’t end. You may feel bored or unsatisfied with yourself, you don’t allow yourself to get close to anyone new-or you go right out and start dating a new psycho. Either way, you’re still allowing the psycho to control you. That incredibly fun girl turned into a snake, got her fangs in you, and now you’re stuck. But you don’t have to stay stuck- break those fangs and move on! More than likely you are an incredible guy who has a ton to offer- and guess what. There are some non psycho girls out there who will appreciate you and your awesomeness.  You don’t have to jump straight into  dating or a new relationship but you should not let that psycho affect you anymore- you’re better than that.

Girls are constantly being told this- that the guy they just broke up with wasn’t good enough for them, etc. But guys have to remember that as well- you should never settle for someone who doesn’t want the best for you. And the girl you date should never make you feel that you aren’t good enough or fun enough or whatever.

Psycho girls can be a great time- but that’s all they are. You deserve a girl who makes you feel lucky to be with and who feels lucky to be with you-all the time. Well, at least 95% of the time- we all have our bad days  hahaha

Starting off

Having been encouraged by my mom multiple times over the years to write more I’ve finally decided to do it. I never seriously thought about blogging before- I wondered what would be interesting for me to write about and for everyone to read about. So my blog is def going to be a mixmash of topics that I’m interested in at the current time. As the reader- and I bet most people who read this know me- bear in mind that everything I write is meant to be read in my voice- sarcasm, inflection, my facial expressions, etc. So if anything sounds harsh or crazy just imagine me saying it while laughing or rolling my eyes or making a goofy face- well goofier than my normal face that is! So without further ado I’m going to start my first article in my series “The smart guy’s guide to dating and relationships: a girl’s perspective” Enjoy!