Toxic friends

I’m about 95% positive everyone has a toxic friend in their life. Probably more than just one actually. A toxic friend is someone who won’t necessarily be mean/awful to your face but after you are around them your life gets more complicated. These toxic friends can sabotage any and all areas of your life including: other friendships, romantic relationships, your job, your social encounters, and your overall happiness. A toxic friend can be just your typical Debbie Downer or s/he can be a manipulative bee-otch.

The Debbie Downer won’t purposefully try to make you as miserable as her but it can and will happen easily. I used to have a friend like this (key phrase used to)- we’ll call her Debbie. Anytime I asked Debbie how she was she would respond negatively. Nothing was ever going right in her life and nothing ever would. She hated what she was studying in school. She disliked her job. She hated living in Cape. Her roommates were terrible. Blah blah blah. I mean, if she had won the lottery she wouldn’t have been happy- she would have just complained about having to pay taxes on it. And so when Debbie would tell me about this I’d try to offer advice “why not switch your major” or “look for a new job” or “look for new roommates or a different place to live”. Nope. She wouldn’t even think of taking this advice. Switching her major now would be a waste. Finding a new job or new living conditions would be too hard. I understand that everyone-myself included- has bad days and we usually turn to our friends to help cheer us up. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if you have a friend that is always negative about everything no matter what- that’s toxic and it will bring you down. Yes we want to help our friends- but you can’t help someone that refuses to help him/herself. It just won’t work. Since severing ties with “Debbie” a couple years ago- I am a much happier person. I kinda feel bad for whoever Debbie attached herself to next- I feel like I should have sent a note with her saying “Warning- this chick will make you depressed. Run now”.

Another toxic friend is the manipulator. This type of person makes me extremely angry. A manipulator will purposefully make you feel guilty for everything that is going well in your life. They will also sabotage your life to make you as miserable as they are. And why do they do this? Because they are awful people. Plain and simple. The are jealous that they don’t have what you do- so instead of sharing your joys they try to twist it around and spoil it for you.

I have known many girls who, because they can’t get a boyfriend or be in a serious relationship since they’re awful people, will sabotage their friends’ relationships.  Now these girls will not have legitimate concerns that their friend is in a bad relationship (i.e. that the boyfriend is abusing them, isolating them, etc.).  They sabotage the relationship so they won’t feel left out and to make their friends dependent on their friendship instead. And these girls will not do it out in the open. They’ll plant a little seed of doubt or mistrust in their friend’s (or her boyfriend’s) mind to make them argue about anything and everything. They’ll make their friend feel guilty for spending time away from them to be with the boyfriend. Basically this manipulator will be stabbing everyone in the back and somehow get away with because no one will confront her. The friend is too nice or feels guilty for having what her friend doesn’t. The boyfriend won’t say anything because he doesn’t feel he has the right.

I’m saying you should call this girl out right now. She has no right to try to make you miserable for being in a healthy relationship. She is jealous because deep down no one actually likes her. People might say they do or feel sorry for her since she isn’t in a relationship but honestly-no.No one truly likes this chick once they see through what she is trying to do.  If she really is your friend, she should be happy that you are in a healthy relationship and keep the jealousy to herself.

Same type of thing- the friend who makes you feel bad for being a happy, out-going person. I make friends or at least talk to people rather easily because I smile and listen and generally make people feel like I want to talk with them. I used to have several friends who were not like this. They tried to make me feel bad for being this way. And yet they complained about how they never seemed to meet new people. For example:

When we are out in public and I start talking to other people, these friends would roll their eyes, get their phones out, and completely shut themselves off from the whole encounter. I understand that it is awkward when your friend knows people you don’t and starts talking to them, leaving you out of the conversation, but that’s not what I’m talking about. It was when I met complete strangers and start talking with them that my “friends” got mad. They would say “of course people come up to you and want to talk. No one ever comes up to me and starts a conversation like that.” And I would think, “Well dear, that’s because you’re making a face that says you hate everyone. Who would want to start a conversation with that kind of person?” For that matter why did I still want to be friends with them??!! I finally stopped apologizing to them for being myself. Now I refuse to feel guilty for being able to talk to people and make new friends. It’s not easy but it’s definitely worth it.

Toxic friends  are awful. They’re fun suckers. Joy suckers.  They basically just completely suck. Yes, it’s hard to cut them out of your life-but trust me, you’re so much happier when they’re gone!! When that toxic friend is gone, all your other relationships improve and you’re a much happier person overall. And you deserve to be surrounded by people who truly are your friends and want you to be happy. So there.

 

 

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Why I can’t stand liars

Liars just really make me mad. First off, it shows you don’t have respect for me or you think I’m not worthy of the truth (“The truth? You can’t handle the truth!!”) Anyway- why should I continue to speak to you? You obviously don’t care about me as much as I care about you since you’re lying to me! When I find out I’ve been lied to I feel betrayed-not to mention dumb. I feel dumb because I was an idiot to trust you.

Secondly- I will find out if you lie to me. At least 93% of the time. Now I’m not trying to brag-but I’m a great listener. I enjoy making others feel important by listening to them. I am also good at keeping my mouth shut. Therefore people just tell me stuff- all the time!!! Point is- I’ll hear the same story from multiple people and I’ll usually be able to figure out who is lying to me. It just happens.

Thirdly- I feel like repetitive liars lie to keep themselves out of trouble or in someone’s good graces. It’s like in PE when you lied about not getting hit in dodge-ball. You just really didn’t want to get out or have your team lose. The liars that really get me are the ones who change the story to make themselves look better to whomever they’re talking to. It’s like when 2 girls are crushing on the same guy. The girls will be BFFs when they’re together. If the 2 of them are with the guy they may gang up against the guy. But look out- when just one of the girls is talking to the guy it is no holds barred romantic sabotage warfare shenanigans!!! I’ve seen it happen so many times and it always makes me mad that girls are so 2 faced. So that’s why I find it especially hilarious when guy realizes what the girls are doing, decides they’re awful, and says See ya bye!! That’s what ya get you little liars.

Moral of the story- don’t lie to me and I def won’t lie to you. I may not share all of my feelings with you (I do that with next to no one) but I will not throw you under the bus or lie to you. Just be honest- whether you like me or just want to tell me you don’t like me. I’d much rather hear it from you than hear whispers from other people. And when I do find out that you lie to me on a regular basis- well, I may still like having you as a friend but I don’t trust you anymore. That’s the breaks- just sayin

Just Say It

Imagine, just for a second, that you were able to speak your true feelings about someone without worrying how they would respond or that you would be embarrassed about doing so. The ability to be completely honest with someone/anyone is incredibly rare and awesome. It’s also incredibly liberating. I have never felt more free and content with myself than when I have been absolutely and completely honest with someone- it hasn’t happened often! I think probs 99% of us are often scared/nervous to tell people how we really feel because we don’t want to be rejected or embarrassed if they don’t feel the same way.

Now I’m not saying you should be a jerk and tell people that their hair/outfit/face is ugly! What I’m talking about is that if you have strong feelings for/about someone you should tell them to their face- not go talking about it behind their back to everyone but them.

For example: when it comes to telling guys how I feel about them, I always feel so much better when I’m honest and upfront about it. Like “Dude I’m sorry this isn’t working between us” or “dude I really like you as more than a friend.” Is it scary to do this? EXTREMELY. Worth it? Absolutely. I knew that by being honest that either his feelings might take a small beating or that I would have to face the reality that the guy I like doesn’t like me back. But you know what- in every instance of me being honest we’ve both been able to move on and realize that being honest early on saved a lot of wasted time and pain.

Neither men nor women are mind readers- you can’t expect people to just know how you feel about them. You have to put your big girl/big boy pants on and tell them. If you like someone/want to go out with them-for the love of Pete just tell them! And do it yourself- in person. Not through your friends or text- that’s lame and shows you’re a sissy.

I really respect it when a guy is straightforward and asks me out or asks for my number. I appreciate his honesty, directness, and courage- because I know it’s hard and slightly scary to do. That proves to me that they’re willing to risk rejection in the hope I’ll say yes- kind of a nice reminder that I’m worth it. (Not that my self-confidence relies on getting asked out- it’s just nice to be appreciated like that sometimes). It’s legit.

And vice versa- when I’ve told guys I like them they’re almost always like “Wow that took guts – thanks for telling me that straight up” and then they let me down nicely 🙂 You honestly can’t lose in being nicely honest with people-sure you might get rejected but at least you know for sure then. (You won’t be stuck in that cycle of “maybe s/he will finally notice me and ask me out.”       FYI that doesn’t work- I have years of evidence to back that up.) Sure it might be tough to deal with at first but you won’t be scared of what might or might not happen anymore.

Same goes if you have a problem with someone. Instead of doing that passive-aggressive shenanigans and talking about them behind their back- tell them! Be like “dude when you said/did that I was hurt/upset/took it to mean this…” Then based on their response you’ve either cleared up a problem or learned that this person isn’t worth getting angry about. I’ve had people/friends talk about me behind my back. Other friends then tell me what they’ve been saying. I’ve handled it where I don’t say anything and just let resentment and distrust build between us for too long-yeah that sucked. But I’ve also handled it by going straight to that person and asked them why they’ve been spreading shenanigans about me. That method really makes or breaks a friendship- because either there was a misunderstanding and the friendship is okay or you find out that your friend really isn’t your friend after all.

Point is- be honest. Don’t be destructive and try to ruin people’s lives but help them out by telling the truth. Being honest can really open doors for you- you just gotta have the courage to speak up. And who knows- maybe the other person feels the same way about you! And if not- there’s always ice cream 😉

You are worth it

Yup. You are worth it.  I don’t care what other people or the media or society says: you are worth it. You have so much to offer the world- whether it’s through your work, family, friends, or simply by smiling at strangers and brightening their day.

You are an inspiration. You are the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning. You are intelligent and have a sense of humor- or else you wouldn’t still be reading this blog! You deserve to be surrounded by people who appreciate your awesomeness. Will you always have these people close to you? Maybe not- but you are worth it.

Now you have to act like it. You are an incredible human being- so don’t sell yourself short. Other people will tell you that you aren’t good enough. So you have to remind yourself that you ARE good enough- you are worth it and deserve to be treated like it.

If someone is a negative influence in your life-cut them out of it. Your boyfriend or girlfriend make you feel self-conscious about yourself? Dump them. That friend who makes you feel guilty for excelling at something or having something go right in your life? Forget them- they aren’t worth it. You are. You owe nothing to people who only make you feel bad about yourself. Find people who know you, like you, encourage you- and keep them close. Because you are worth it.

The “Friend Zone”: Awkward vs Awesome

I’m not going to lie- I was the Mayor of the friend zone from junior high all the way to about junior year in college. Nope, I was more like the President or even Galactic Empress of the friend zone. It was so bad that guys would come to me for advice in asking out girls, breaking up with them, dealing with overemotional and jealous girlfriends etc. My success rate in getting couples together or navigating difficult breakups was about 50%- which I don’t think is too bad.

Point is- I know first hand the ups and downs of the “friend zone”. It’s great when you don’t have a romantic interest in the other person- but it’s sheer awfulness when you do!

The term “friend zone” itself has a negative connotation. I feel like it’s bitterly used when a guy or girl has a crush on their friend but their friend does not return it. Yes, liking someone and them not liking you back absolutely sucks. Been there, did that, still going through that even now- Luke Evans just doesn’t know what he’s missing out on. Anyway- this is going to sound harsh but you have to move on. Waiting around hoping your crush will suddenly realize they like you too is oftentimes pointless. Especially when you haven’t told them about your feelings- you can;t just expect them to read your mind and figure it out!!

If you have told your friend that you like them as more than a friend and they don’t feel the same way about you- props for having the guts to tell them!! And if they say they want to still be friends- don’t get all defensive/upset/angry/bitter about that. They most likely think you’re an awesome person and do want to be your friend- they just don’t want anything more. And that is no one’s fault- it’s just the way the cookie crumbled. ooooh cookies-yum

I’ve been on both sides of this type of thing. I’ve had guy friends tell me that like me and I’ve told guy friends I like them. Guess what- none of them have worked out. But I’m still friends with probably 2/3 of the guys because we actually value the friendship we have with each other- and that freaking rocks!!

The awesome side of the “friend zone” is that you have a friend of the opposite gender. Obviously. So when all your girl friends are bugging you or being catty or you just don’t feel like dealing with their shenanigans, you can go play football or video games or watch Die Hard with your guy friends. Or when guys need advice or help picking out a present for their mom or buying clothes or whatevs they can call a girl friend and get some advice or have a less excruciating shopping experience.

So being told or realizing that the friend you’ve been crushing on doesn’t like you back sucks. But now you still have a friend to encourage and help you find someone that likes you back- it’s kind of a win-win then.

Note- never ever ever whine about “always getting put into the friend zone” to try to guilt someone into agreeing to go out with you. Then it’ll just be a pity date and plain pathetic-not to mention annoying. Just sayin

It’s All About Communication

A smart guy’s guide to dating: A girl’s perspective

75% of the problems guys and gals face in dating and relationships could be resolved by better communication-true story.   I could be extremely scientific and explain how men and women process information differently, how men don’t attach emotional meaning to everything they say while women do etc. Point is- good communication is vital for successful, fulfilling relationships.  The downside- good communication is often difficult because men and women define that phrase differently. Very differently.

I’ve learned that guys don’t always feel the need to stay in constant or even steady communication with their friends to know that they’re still friends. However, as many girls know and will agree, not staying in contact is easily construed as “this friend hates me now or else he/she would keep in touch”. And often that’s true as far as girls go! One of the worst thing you can do to a girl is ignore her- we instantly feel like we aren’t good enough. But many times guys aren’t doing this on purpose. Many guys don’t need that constant reminder that their friends still like them- unlike most girls. Therefore they don’t often think about telling us that they care about us. Guys and girls are just wired differently.

So heads up guys- I’m going to give you a glimpse into a girl’s head. Sometimes when you think a girl is being clingy it’s probably more likely that she needs the reassurance that you still like her. If you don’t still like her- be honest and do it soon. Don’t be a jerk and drag it out on purpose. If you do like her- tell her!! You don’t have to go overboard- just a gentle reminder like “Hey you’re awesome and I really like being around you”. Her day was just made right then. She will be happy that you care enough to share your feelings- and of course that you like her!

Note- if the girl calls you multiple times a day, is constantly texting you about pointless things, and seems to have no life outside of you- run. That’s the start of psycho stalker behavior!!!!

I don’t want this post to sound like I’m telling guys that they have to change and constantly talk to the girl they’re interested in if they normally don’t communicate much. I’m just hoping to explain why men and women can hear the exact same things or be involved in the same conversations and come away with completely different ideas of what just happened. Guys if you don’t communicate a lot- it’s okay. But maybe try to be upfront about that early on- that way the girl won’t have unrealistic expectations of how often she will hear from you. Girls- don’t go psycho about this. Guys are different and you have to accept that. You must realize that you can’t automatically change a guy’s communication habits. So maybe everyone could meet in the middle a bit- guys could make a little extra effort and girls could stop expecting so much. Or not-whatevs. You have to be you and if people don’t accept that- it’s their problem for missing out on your awesomeness.

A quick note on compliments- both guys and girls love getting them. As long as they aren’t creepy of course. But here’s a tip-try being specific. Instead of just saying “You look nice/handsome/pretty/etc” try adding “especially your hair/shirt/eyes/whatevs”. It shows that you appreciate the overall effect AND the details that make it up.

You don’t always have to fix it

The smart guy’s guide to dating: a girl’s perspective

Scenario: A girl is crying about something. The guy is awkwardly hovering near her. He asks why she’s crying. She continues crying. He tries to fix the problem. Girl gets mad. Guy gets more confused. She runs off. Doors slam. Everyone is unhappy.

Better scenario: Girl is crying. Guy hugs her. Asks “Can I help in any way?” Girl says no. Guy says “I’m here for you then”. Continues hugging, gives girl tissues and chocolate. Everyone is happier.

When guys are faced with a problem or dealing with issues, they try to fix it. It’s in their DNA to solve a problem by taking action. So that’s why, many times, when girls are crying the guy tries to fix the problem and doesn’t really understand why the girl is just crying about it. That and they don’t like girl tears- that’s also scientifically proven! What guys don’t know is that like 95% of the time the girl doesn’t need/want someone to fix the problem right then. They just need to cry and get their emotions out so that they can deal with the problem themselves later. Honestly, when I and probs like 90% of girls cry, we just want someone to hold us and reassure us that we aren’t alone and that we are cared about. Can you fix the problem that my sister/best friend lives over 1760 miles away? Or that in every movie involving a dog it dies?? (Never watch the movie Hatchi unless you want some serious sobbing-truth). No- you can’t fix these problems. But you can make me feel loved and not lonely just by hugging me and being there for me. Giving me tissues and chocolate is a bonus!! My poor dad has learned this lesson well!

Point is- girls want to know you care about them. While you may be tempted to try to fix the problem we usually just want you to show us you care. You don’t have to say the exact right thing or spend extravagant amounts of money- just be there with us and then make us smile. Pretty simple really!